@daemonic3

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

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@Reverend_Scott

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

@panmidwest

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

@AweShadySome

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

@GensPlace

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

@amburgklur

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

@a_simpl_man

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

@PrettyInCamo11

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

@ItsAndyRyan

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.