angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
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(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Fights fire with marshmallows
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.