when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
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I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
But that’s none of my business
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.