If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
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I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.