Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
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1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
😅🤣😂
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
the answer was staring at me all along
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.