People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
You Might Also Like
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Otters see a butterfly.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
#parenting
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me: