Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
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i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
lost dog
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Oceanography is all about current events
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”