And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
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My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
How funny!
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
When they try to steal your moment.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
S/o to @funTweeters .