Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
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Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers