I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
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The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.