I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
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me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled