professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
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My only stock options are chicken and beef.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash