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“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I’m too immature for adultery.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.