me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
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dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I’m not wrong
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!