dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
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I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the