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[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
me irl
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”