The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
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Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Need WebMD