every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
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*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
do horses think humans are hats
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
getting corrected
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.