*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Still a very good boi….
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
We take our 40% off sale seriously at