Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
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Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Barbie gone wild
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!