I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
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Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
…u ok Nintendo?
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.