I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
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My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.