Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
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When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
craving $300 all of a sudden
choose your gary
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.