Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
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If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”