dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
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Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install