There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
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the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
crying
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.