When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
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Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.