I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
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What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Check your privilege
Vodka burrito was a success
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.