I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
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legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition