WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
You Might Also Like
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
OMG 🤣🤣
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.