I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
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My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake