eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
You Might Also Like
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.