I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
You Might Also Like
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Breaking news:
Weighing up my bread heating options
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there