Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
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Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
no
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT