What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
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Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
“Wait, let me explain..”
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.