“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
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rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I bet birds love this building.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
when you don’t want to be too vague
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.