All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
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Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.