I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
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Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
See..?
.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
*exercises sarcastically*
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.