Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
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You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
OMG 🤣🤣
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Autocorrect completely socks
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
😂 amazing answer