Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
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Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*