Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
You Might Also Like
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
A completely valid reaction tbh
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder