“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
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Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
In banana years, I am bread.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?