In banana years, I am bread.
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My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
shit, they caught us—run!!!
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming