My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
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It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Oh. My. God.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.