Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
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describing stardew valley
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.