The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
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A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
“The Perfect Relationship”
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone