It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
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This kinda thing happens to me often
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I am crying
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine