If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
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She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
This will never not be funny to me.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.