Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
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Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!