My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
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Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question